


Shattered Illusions

by TarynMercury



Category: CSI: NY, Criss Angel crossover with CSI AU
Genre: CSI New York - Freeform, Criss Angel - Freeform, F/M, Gen, magician
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-03
Updated: 2013-08-03
Packaged: 2017-12-22 06:45:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 14,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/910153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TarynMercury/pseuds/TarynMercury
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This was from a CSI New York episode where Criss Angel plays illusionist Luke Blade who murders his 2 assistants for betraying him.  Luke Walker was adopted as a baby, then at age 5, when he started displaying behaviors consistant with fetal alcohol syndrome, his adopted mother gave him up for adoption fearing for her newborn child's safety. After he kills his 2 assitants, Luke finds his adopted mother and attempts to kill her. This is written from the point of view of a girl who, when they were teenagers, was his girlfriend and the mother of his child. She sees the news of his arrest and it makes her start rememebering their relationship. I borrowed the Luke Blade character from CSI as well as his two murder victims and his adopted mother but the rest of the characters are from my own imagination. I wrote this not long after the episode aired and it's one of the first fanfictions I ever wrote.<br/>Please do not crosspost this fiction anywhere.<br/>There is some violence in this story but nothing graphic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

As I sat watching the evening news my mouth was agape with shock. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I sat up and paid close attention as I turned up the volume.  
“Illusionist Luke Blade has been arrested and charged with the murder of his assistant Vienna Hyatt and his stunt technician, Austin Cannon. Luke Blade started his career as an illusionist five years ago......”

The newscaster went on to talk about Luke’s career in magic but I was no longer listening. Tears began to slide down my face. No! This couldn’t be happening. Not my Luke. Was he really capable of murder? I just couldn’t fathom it.   
I looked into the kitchen at our daughter, Lainey. The daughter Luke never met. Lainey didn’t know Luke Blade was her father. She was only 10 and I was waiting for the right time to tell her.   
I looked into the kitchen at Lainey doing her homework and saw Luke in those eyes of concentration. I smiled as I watched her and began to remember memories that took me back 11 years.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

As I was coming down the stairs I could hear the hushed tones of voices whispering secrets. Secrets that adults did not want children to hear. I tiptoed into the living room staying out of view of the kitchen and listened but all i could hear were phrases.  
“Oh it’s so heartbreaking......”  
“Such a sweet boy....”  
“So smart”  
“How could a mother do that?”  
“Hoping to make him feel loved....”  
The voices were of my mom and her best friend, Ceilia who lived next door to us. She and my mom had been best friends for more than 20 years. Whenever I heard them speaking in hushed tones I always knew it was juicy gossip.   
“Julianna! Have you started your homework?” my mom yelled. Shit! How did she know I was there? I hadn’t made a sound.   
“Julianna, I know you’re in the next room eavesdropping! Get upstairs and do your homework!” my mom yelled. I didn’t say anything but quickly ran upstairs.


	2. Chapter 2

I was engrossed in my algebra problems when my mom knocked on my door.   
“Come in.” I told her.  
“Hey, Ceilia and Danny are coming over for dinner tonight and they are bringing their new foster child. His name is Luke and he’s your age. Please be nice to him.”   
I sat back and looked at her. “What? He’s 16? Wow! They’ve never fostered anyone that age before.” I was interested now. I was hoping he was cute.   
“Of course I’ll be nice to him! Why wouldn’t I ?” I said to her in mock surprise.  
“It’s just that he’s been bounced around foster homes his whole life and he’s been through a lot. I’m sure he has trust issues. Just don’t be a smart ass the first day. At least give him a day or two.” she laughed.  
“Ha ha” I said to her. “So what kinds of things has he been through? What’s the scoop on this guy?”  
“That’s information you’ll have to get from him!” she said, pulling my baseball cap down over my eyes.  
“Oh you’re no fun!” I pushed my cap back in place.   
“Anyway, they’ll be here at 6 so please get ready.” she said on the way out the door.

Ceilia and Danny weren’t able to have kids so they had fostered several throughout the years but never a teenager. This should be interesting, I thought to myself.   
I ran downstairs at the sounds of people coming in the door.   
“Hey gorgeous” Danny said, ruffing up my hair.   
“Hey dork” I said and I gave him a hug. Both Ceilia and Danny were cool people. So were my parents. Cool as far as parents go. All my friends liked them.   
“Julianna, this is Luke, our new addition to the family” Ceilia said elbowing Danny out of the way.  
“Hi” I said to Luke. He stood almost 6 feet tall with jet black hair that went a little past his shoulders and deep brown eyes. I instantly fell in love with those eyes.  
Luke shuffled from one foot to the other. “Hi” he said to me, eyes smiling.   
“Come on everybody. Let’s go eat.” my mom said and led us all into the dining room.  
Luke ate his dinner in silence not saying anything unless he was asked a question. I sat across from him and all during dinner I noticed him stealing glances at me.   
After dinner I asked if Luke and I could go to my room and listen to music. On the way upstairs my dad stopped me and said, in a low voice, “Remember; lights on, door open, both feet on the floor.”   
“Yes dad” I said rolling my eyes at him. As cool as my parents were they were not so cool when it came to boys in my room. I had a lot of male friends. I could have them up to my room as long as I abided by dad’s three little rules.


	3. Chapter 3

My daughter shook me from my thoughts.   
“Mom!” she said. “Are you going to check my homework now?”  
I looked at her, seeing Luke’s face, I smiled. “Yes”  
When I got up to go to the kitchen she said, “Mom, are you crying? What’s wrong?” She had a worried look on her face.   
“Nothing” I sighed as I sat down at the table with her homework in front of me. “I was just remembering some things from the past.”  
“Well don’t cry, mama. I love you.” she said putting her arms around my neck.   
“I love you too, sweetheart. Now go take your bath and get ready for bed.  
I began to check her homework but found it difficult to concentrate.  
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Luke and I sat in my room listening to Metallica. He wasn’t very talkative. I could tell he was nervous and trying not to show it.   
“Hey, why don’t we go to the park?” I said. He watched me pull a pack of Marlboros out of my desk and smiled, “Sure”  
The park, illuminated by a single street light, was 2 blocks from my house. We lived in a great neighborhood so my parents never worried about me going there at night as long as I wasn’t alone.   
I sat down on a swing, pulled out a cigarette and lit it, offering one to Luke. “Those are bad for you.” He said as he lit his cigarette.   
“I know.” I said.   
Luke chuckled. “You’re pretty cool.”  
“Yeah, I know” I told him making him smile.  
“So what’s the name of this school we are going to?” he asked me.   
“Westerburg” I told him, trying to blow smoke rings. Something I hadn’t mastered yet.   
“Ah” he paused. “The names all start blurring together after a while.”  
“So how many schools have you been to?” I asked him.  
“Ever? Um....” He paused and looked up as if trying to count them. He turned and looked at me and said, “7. This will be 8”  
“Wow!” I whistled. “This is only my 3rd. I’ve been here my whole life.”  
Luke nodded and was silent.   
I hesitated then asked, “If you don’t mind me asking, how many different families have you lived with?”  
There was a long silence as Luke stared off into space. “I was adopted as a baby, by a woman named Sylvia Walker, who gave me my last name. Then when I was 5, she got pregnant and decided she didn’t want me anymore so she gave me up for adoption. I guess she would rather have her own child.” I could see anger flash in Luke’s eyes. “After that I went from state homes to foster families and back again.”  
I sighed. I’d never heard anything so tragic. “That’s really horrible. I’m sorry.”  
Luke quickly turned to me. “I’m not looking for sympathy.” He must have seen the hurt look in my eyes because he quickly added, “It’s not your fault. It’s that Sylvia bitch who gave me up.” His fists were clenched. “How the hell do you give up a child you’ve had for 5 years? I’ll never forgive her.” He almost yelled. The sudden   
change in his personality startled me.  ”So what happened to your biological mother?” I asked him.  
“I heard she was an alcoholic and a prostitute.” he said.   
He was staring up at the sky still looking angry. He seemed to forget I was there momentarily. I reached over and touched his shoulder making him jump slightly.  
“I’m sorry. I guess I shouldn’t have asked you those questions.” I said to him.  
“It’s ok. It doesn’t matter.” After a few minutes he said, “I’m sorry. You seem like a really nice person. I don’t normally tell people that but you seem easy to talk to.” he smiled.  
“Thanks” I smiled back at him.  
“Hey, you want to see something?” Luke asked, clearly changing the subject.   
“Sure” I told him.  
“Ok, give me a cigarette”   
I took one out of the back and gave it to him wondering what he was going to do.  
He covered his nose with one hand and seemed to shove the cigarette up his nose with the other. I laughed and clapped my hands. His eyes sparkled and he suddenly looked very happy.  
“That was cool. Do you know more tricks?” I asked.  
“Lots” he said.  
“Will you show me sometime?”  
“Sure but not tonight.” he said.  
“Ok” I began to swing and soon we were both swinging as high as we could go.


	4. Chapter 4

On Saturday, Luke and I spent the whole day together going to the movies, going to lunch and hanging out and talking. We held hands as we walked through the park.   
Sunday night we were seated on my back porch talking about school.  
The full moon illuminated the porch so there was no need for light.  
Luke was a little nervous about starting a new school.  
“You’ve done this plenty of times before. It’ll be ok.” I told him.  
“It’s just never easy starting a new school not knowing anyone.” he said.   
“You know me.” I smiled at him and he squeezed my hand.   
“Look, it’s going to be ok. Everyone’s going to like you. You’re a nice guy.”  
“Not really. You don’t even know me.” Luke said, sounding slightly annoyed.  
“Well, you’re nice to me. You’ve already made one friend, me. You’ll make more.” I told him.  
“You’re really sweet. I’m glad that you are my friend.” For a moment he stared into my eyes.  
He reached out and cupped my face with his hands. “You’re so beautiful in this moonlight.” He brushed the curls from my face.  
“No i’m not” was all I could think of to say.   
“Yes you are” he leaned in and kissed me with his soft, warm lips; making me melt. After what felt like and eternity, our lips parted.  ”Jules, you are one of the most real people i’ve ever met.” He stroked my hair. I closed my eyes letting him wind his fingers through my hair, relaxing me. Soon his lips found mine again and I felt his tongue touch my own sending shivers down my spine. I’d only kissed 2 other guys before but this felt different. His kisses didn’t feel awkward or forced. I slipped my arms around his waist. His kisses made me feel dizzy.   
“Luke, why did you call me Jules?” I asked him. No one ever called me that. It was always “Julie” or “Julianna”.   
“ I don’t know. It just came out. It seems to fit you. Do you mind?”  
“No. It’s just that no one’s ever called me that before.” I paused. “From now on you are the only one allowed to call me that.” Luke smiled at me and said, “I like that.” and he kissed me again. We sat on my porch in the moonlight kissing for what seemed like an eternity before I realized it was time for me to go in. I didn’t want to give my parents the chance to come out to call me in and see us kissing because then i’d have to listen to a lecture. I went to bed that night on cloud nine.


	5. Chapter 5

My daughters’ english book fell on the floor, quickly snapping me out of my thoughts. I smiled and touched my lips at the memory of how Luke’s kisses felt so long ago. I quickly checked her homework and put her books away.  
I went upstairs and tucked her into bed and told her what a good job she had done on her homework. Like me, Lainey was good at English. I hoped that someday she would become a writer like me. I was magazine editor but i hoped that Lainey would surpass me and become a published author. It had always been a dream of mine like a lot of other unrealized dreams I had.  
I fixed myself a drink and went up to bed. I knew tonight would be a sleepless night so I settled into bed with my drink and a photo album. My sweet Luke. Was it really possible he was capable of murder? I tried to let the thought sink in. I knew Luke had harbored resentment toward his adoptive mother but I never realized how deep it went. I never thought he was capable of killing anyone. I opened the photo album and the memories came rushing back.  
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The first week of school put Luke in a funk. He was shy about meeting new people. We only had two classes together because he was a grade a head of me. He would be 17 in two months.   
At my locker on Wednesday, I was talking to my friend Mark. We’d been friends for three years. I felt Luke walk up behind me and put his arms around my waist.   
“Hey” he said.   
“Hey Luke” I said turning around. I noticed a scowl on his face. I looked at him puzzled.  
“This is my friend Mark” I introduced.   
“Hey Luke” Mark said and stuck his hand out to Luke. Luke gave him a nod and ignored his hand. He turned to me, “Let’s go” He grabbed my hand practically dragging me down the hall.   
“Luke, what’s wrong?” I asked but he just gripped my hand tighter and kept walking.  
Once we were off school property I stopped and pulled my hand away.   
“Luke, what the hell is the matter with you?”  
He stopped and glared at me. “Who the fuck is that guy? I saw you hugging him.”   
I stepped back. Luke looked very angry.  
“My friend Mark. He’s been my friend for 3 years.”   
“Did you date him?” Luke crossed his arms in front of him and stared at me.  
“Huh? No, I never dated Mark! What the hell is your problem? I told you I have several guy friends. Are you going to act like this with every guy I talk to?” I really didn’t like this side of Luke I was seeing.   
Luke spun around and continued to walk ahead of me. He was walking fast and I could see him clenching and unclenching his fists.   
He crossed the park and sat down on a swing. He looked down at the dirt and I sat on a swing next to him. I didn’t know what to say so I decided to say nothing until he calmed down.  
After a long silence Luke turned to me. I thought I saw tears in his eyes.  ”I’m sorry. It’s just that......” He paused as if looking for the right words. “I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to be jealous but I am. I don’t want to see you touching another guy. It drives me crazy. All my life I’ve never really been able to connect with anyone but I connect with you. I’ve never let anyone inside before.”  
He took my hand and pulled me into his lap. I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his neck breathing in his sweet scent. We sat there gently swaying for a while. I finally found the words I wanted to say so I looked into his beautiful, deep brown eyes.  
“Luke, I have several guy friends and I won’t stop being there friend. You can’t get jealous every time I talk to one of them. You just can’t. You aren’t going to lose me unless you don’t treat me right. I care for you and I don’t want to loose you either. I’ve never liked any boy as much as I like you. I’ve only had two other boyfriends and I didn’t care for them as much as I care for you so don’t worry.”  
Luke cupped my face with his hands and pressed his lips against mine. I felt like I was melting into him.   
His jealous rage was only a preview of what was to come over the next year.


	6. Chapter 6

The chill in the air indicated October was here and so was Luke’s 17th birthday. Mom and I were out shopping for food for his birthday party.   
“So are things getting pretty serious between you and Luke?” mom asked me.   
“Yeah” I said to her looking at the birthday cakes in the case. “Hey mom, can we get a cake made that has a magic theme?”  
“Sure. So what other food do you guys want?”

As we rode home mom starting telling me things about Luke. Things I really didn’t want to hear.  
“Julie, I need to talk to you about Luke.” Mom sighed. “I think there are some things you should know.” Mom started telling me about Luke’s history.  
“Mom, I already know this stuff. Luke told me.” I was looking out the window.   
“ Luke’s adoptive mother got pregnant when he was 5, he was already displaying signs of fetal alcohol syndrome.”  
I turned and looked at my mother. “What?” I’d read about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome in biology class.  
“At a young age he was having violent mood swings, temper tantrums and impulsive behavior. It got worse as he got older so when his adoptive mother got pregnant, she as afraid for her baby and she gave him up.”  
“That’s terrible!” I said.   
“Ceilia and Danny found out all this and still they wanted to foster him. Why I don’t understand but if anyone can give him the love he needs it’s them.” Mom said to me.  
“Mom, Luke’s a nice guy.......” I started to say.  
“Julianna, I’m sure he is but I want you to be very careful around him. He’s unpredictable. Now i’ve heard you two arguing. I don’t know what it was about but I’m telling you this; if he ever hits you, I’ll put a stop to this. I meant it.”  
“Mom, Luke would never hit me!” I turned to her quickly.  
“Honey, I know you don’t think he would but you’ve only known him for two months. Just please be careful.”  
“Ok I will. I promise.” I just couldn’t imagine Luke hitting me. Sure he has a temper but he always calms down quickly. No, mom was wrong.

The next night was Luke’s birthday. I invited a few friends including Mark but made sure to invite a few of my girlfriends so Luke wouldn’t get jealous. Ceilia and Danny were there but they mostly stayed in the kitchen with my parents.   
Luke was in a great mood. He loved the cake I had made for him with it’s top hats, magic wands and cards. Mom and dad video taped Luke blowing out the candles and opening his presents, per my request. Ceilia and Danny bought him a pair of jeans and some cool shirts from Affliction. I got him a bracelet with our names engraved on it. At the end of the evening Luke performed some magic tricks for us. Everyone was amazed and I was so proud of him. 

After everyone had gone home, Luke and I were left alone on the front porch. “So did I do a good job with the party?” I teased. Luke kissed me and said, “Are you kidding? You did a great job! I loved the cake and the bracelet.” He smiled at me and fingered the bracelet turning it around so he could read the words, “Luke and Julianna”  
“I wish you didn’t have to go.” I moaned, knowing my parents would come out any minute to tell me to come in. It was after midnight. Luke pulled me to him and hugged me tight whispering in my ear, “I’ll be back later. Leave your window open.” He kissed me again and left. I watched him walk away thinking, Mom’s so wrong. That is not a boy who would ever hit me.


	7. Chapter 7

I was almost asleep when Luke poked his head through my window and said, “Wake up sleepyhead.” I jumped up and ran to the window. “How the hell did you get up to my window?” I poked my head out looking around.   
“Danny’s ladder” he said climbing through my window.   
“Luke, what if someone sees it?” I said.  
“It’s after one and this side of the house is dark. No one will see it.”  
“I can’t believe you did that.” I said to him.  
He sat on the bed pulling me into his lap. I buried my face in his neck and breathed in.  
“So what are you doing here? You know my parents will kill you if they find you up here.” I teased him although it was true. There would be hell to pay if they did actually find him in my room at this hour.  
“Go lock your door” he said.   
I got up and locked my door knowing my parents were downstairs sound asleep. They were always out by midnight on the weekends.  
Luke held his hand out to me, “Come here” Once again I sat in his lap and he began kissing me making my heart pound. Luke pulled away and cradled my face in his hands, pressing his forehead against mine.  
“Jules, I want a real birthday present from you.” he whispered. I was momentarily stunned. I didn’t know what to say. I knew what he meant and I was scared and excited at the same time. I loved Luke and had no reservations about him being my first lover but I was still scared. Luke ran his finger through my brown curls.   
“Jules, I love you so much. I’d never do anything to hurt you.”  
“I know, I know” I kissed him. I was so nervous. I’d never gone beyond kissing a guy except with Luke and we’d only done some heavy making out. I must have looked terrified because Luke smiled at me and laid me down on the bed and said, “Trust me.” I did trust him. I trusted him with every fiber of my being.  
Luke laid next to me kissing me passionately. I was completely lost in those kisses letting Luke’s hands wander all over my body. He took off his shirt and I rubbed my hands down his smooth chest. He was slightly muscular as if he’d worked out at one time. I started to feel as if I was no longer in control of myself as i let my hands explore. He sat me up and took my shirt off and kissed my neck sending a tingling sensation down my spine. His hands cupped my breasts as he bent down to kiss them. My rapid breathing began to match his as I ran my fingers through his hair. I was completely dizzy with ecstasy. Luke pulled off his jeans and sensing my fear he hesitated for a minute before pulling off his underwear. I quickly looked up into his eyes, suddenly becoming very shy. He stroked my cheek and said, “Don’t be scared, Jules. You don’t have to be scared with me. I love you.” He kissed me again and caressed my body as I suddenly felt at him tug at my underwear. He hesitated momentarily as he looked into my eyes for permission. I reached down and helped him pull them off. I was completely naked before him. Never had I felt so vulnerable yet so comfortable with someone.   
“You’re so beautiful” Luke whispered.   
I smiled at him and said, “I love you so much, Luke. I’ll never love anyone this much as long as I live.”  
Our bodies enter twined as we kissed more passionately that we’d ever kissed before. I suddenly felt his hand between my legs giving me sensations I’d never knew existed. After a few minutes I exploded breathless and panting wanting more. Luke smiled at me and said, “That’s my girl.”  
“Oh god, Luke......” I said, unable to finish the sentence. He smothered my mouth with kisses and I felt his erection pressing hard against me as he rolled on top of me. I felt him gently spreading my legs apart and he slowly entered me. I sucked my breath in at the sharp pain. Suddenly Luke went still and said, breathless, “I’m sorry. The pain will go away.” He continued to move very slowly in and out of me. I loved him so much at this moment that I wanted to cry. He began breathing harder and faster as his pace increased. He suddenly slammed into me hard, shuddered and fell still. I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt warm tears coursing down my face. Luke wiped them away.   
“I’m sorry. I know it hurts the first time. It will get better, I promise.”  
“No Luke, it’s not that. It’s just.....” I wasn’t sure why I was crying. “I’m just so happy and I love you so much.”   
“I love you too, Jules.” He kissed me and curled up next to me. I felt as if we were truly soul mates now.   
We talked and cuddled and catnapped until it was almost dawn when Luke went back home.   
This sweet side of Luke is what kept me with him. It almost made me blind to the other side of him. The side with the violent temper.


	8. Chapter 8

Luke and I went to a Halloween party and what started out as a fun night ended up an evening ruined by Luke’s temper.  
Cathy Lipton threw a huge Halloween party. Her parents were out of town. Once everyone got wind of that, more than 100 people showed up. Cathy was one of the more popular people in school and was no friend of mine but Mark and some of our friends stopped by, so we decided to go.   
There was plenty of liquor flowing at this party so Luke and Mark proceeded to get drunk. I was happy that Luke had gotten over his jealousy of Mark and they seemed to be becoming friends.   
We were standing around the bonfire in the back yard drinking and talking with some friends when I heard a familiar voice say, “Well if it isn’t Luke Walker. I heard you are a pretty good magician.” It was Matt Hooper, my ex boyfriend. He always got mouthy after he had a few drinks. I turned and saw him walking this way. It gave me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Matt looked over at me and laughed, standing three feet from Luke now.   
“Why don’t you show us some of your tricks. Hey show us how you picked the lock and got into Julie’s pants. That’s a good one because everyone knows she’s closed for business.” I could see the anger flash in Luke’s eyes and his fists clenching.   
“No Luke” I whispered.  
“Matt why don’t you shut up and.........” Luke didn’t give me the chance to finish the sentence before punching Matt in the face, breaking his nose. Matt got up, too drunk to pay attention to the blood running down his face. He ran head first into Luke, knocking him to the ground. Both boys were wrestling around in the grass drawing quite a crowd. People were cheering. Luke got up and started kicking Matt. He kicked him in the face, the ribs, and in the stomach. Anywhere his blind rage directed him. I could see Matt wasn’t getting back up so I ran over to Luke and said, “Luke stop! That’s enough!” Luke didn’t even turned to look at me he just swung his arm around knocking me to the ground, giving me a bloody nose. I saw blue lights and heard someone yell “Cops!” and people scattered. Luke didn’t hear. He was still wailing on Matt. I felt Mark help me to my feet and say, “Are you ok? Is your nose broken?” He handed me a napkin that I used to dab the blood from my sore nose. “No, i’m ok.” It hurt but it didn’t feel broken.   
I saw the cops pulling Luke off Matt and cuffing him. “Fuck off!” Luke growled at the cops. He kept struggling in the handcuffs and cursing at the cops until one of them threatened to tase him. This made him be still but he kept leaning in the handcuffs until one of them grabbed a handful of Luke’s hair and jerked him backwards. “Listen you little son of a bitch, I will tase your ass to calm you down if I have to.” Luke stood still looking at me through disheveled hair. His eyes were pure fire. I’d never seen anyone so angry. I wanted to plead with him to cooperate with the cops and not make things worse but I didn’t get my chance before the cops put him in the police cruiser and drove away. I began to cry and Marked hugged me. The police questioned me, Mark and a few others on what happened. It was clear that Matt provoked Luke but they were painting a less than flattering picture of Luke. Anyone who was left standing around with alcohol on their breath was taking to the police station and their parents called. I’d only had a couple of drinks but they took me to the police station to call my parents when they heard Luke had hit me. While on the way to the police station I explained to them about Luke’s temper and what Matt had said to set him off. I told them Luke didn’t mean to hit me. He just swung without looking. It fell on deaf ears. The cop in the passengers seat turned to look at me and said, “That’s how it starts. ‘It was an accident’ “ he mimicked me. I could feel my face turning red. “Then it goes further until someday it’s you he has on the ground kicking. I’ve seen it a million times. You mark my words. Get rid of that punk bastard now before it gets worse.”   
“Luke would never do that to me.” I said, fighting the tears in my eyes.   
“Hmmf” the cop grunted and turned around in his seat. “They never learn do they?”   
“No they don’t” his partner answered.   
I could feel the tears streaming down my face now. I wanted to see Luke. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me and tell me everything was going to be ok.   
I only saw Luke briefly at the police station before my parents came to pick me up. On the way home they were silent but once home, the questions began.  
“Where you drinking? I know Luke was.”  
“Did he hit you anywhere else?”  
“Has he hit you before?”  
“What were you thinking, going to a party with alcohol around?”  
“Are you sleeping with him? Because if you are......”  
“Stop it!” I screamed cutting them off. “You don’t know Luke like I do.”  
I was crying uncontrollably. In between sobs I was trying to explain to them our connection; how sweet he was to me and how much we loved each other. They just stared at me and my swollen nose.   
“No, he’s never hit me before and he didn’t mean to do it tonight. He wasn’t even looking at who he was swinging at.” I could tell they were having none of it.   
“You can’t tell me he didn’t know it was you standing there. That he didn’t know it was your voice he heard telling him to stop. If you two have such an intense connection then he would have known.” My father told me.   
“Now I’m asking you again. Are you sleeping with him?” My dad yelled.  
“No” I lied. There’s no way I could tell my father. He’d go ballistic and forbid us to see each other.   
“Richard, get out of her face. She’s been through a lot tonight and needs some sleep.” Mom to the rescue.   
“Sheila, i’m telling you. If she’s having sex with that boy I’ll wring his neck!” Dad said to her as if I wasn’t even there.  
“Dad!” I cried.  
“Julianna, go to bed. We’ll talk tomorrow.” Mom said making intense eye contact with me. I knew what the conversation would be like based on our previous talk about Luke.  
I cried myself to sleep that night.


	9. Chapter 9

I didn’t see Luke for the rest of the weekend. He wasn’t in school on Monday and that night my parents told me that Luke and I weren’t allowed to see each other for two weeks. I felt my heart fall to my stomach. I went upstairs and cried until I was sick. I never went to sleep that night. I stayed up all night long on my window seat crying and hoping to catch a glimpse of Luke. I didn’t.   
At six a.m. I came downstairs barely able to see through my burning, swollen eyes to find my mother cooking breakfast. This was something she didn’t do very often.   
“I want you to eat breakfast then go back to bed. I know you haven’t slept so you aren’t going to school today.” She gave me my plate and sat across from me.   
“I know you’re hurting, Julianna but you two have to know there are consequences for your actions. Especially Luke.”  
I poked at my food. I wasn’t hungry.   
“Honey, Luke needs help. In fact, he’ll probably have to go to some sort of counseling through the court. He goes before the judge in 2 weeks so you’ll get to see him then. I’m sure he’ll want you there.”  
“He needs me now mom. I need him!” I pleaded with her. “I’m sure he’s learned his lesson.”  
“I doubt it. He’s been in trouble before.” Mom told me.   
“What do you mean?” I put my fork down.   
“He’s been suspended from other schools for fighting and once for carrying a knife to school.” She must have seen the puzzled look on my face because she then said, “Ceilia and Danny told us. We had a long talk with them on Saturday and they really care for Luke and want to help him. They are hoping if they provide a loving family environment it may save him. Maybe it won’t be too late for him.”  
“Too late for what?” I asked.  
“ For becoming a career criminal. Quite honestly, he’s headed down that path.” Mom said, sipping her coffee.  
My mind was spinning with all the information she gave me. Luke never told me about his trouble before. I wondered why.  
My body was completely exhausted from lack of sleep and crying all night. I couldn’t think straight.  
“But mom he needs me now. I need him. I don’t think I can make it two weeks without seeing him.” I pleaded.  
“You can and you will.” she said. “You’ll see him in school. Now eat your breakfast and go to bed.”  
“I’m not hungry.” I pouted.  
“Julianna, don’t make this any harder on yourself. Cooperate please.” She pointed to my plate.   
I was too tired to argue, not that it would do any good. I had to do what they wanted for mine and Luke’s sake. I didn’t want to do anything that would keep Luke and I apart any longer than we had to be.   
I ate my breakfast and went back upstairs. I looked out the window and saw that it was starting to rain. Just before I closed the curtains I saw Luke hurrying to put the garbage out to the curb. It made my heart ache for him. On the way back in, Luke stopped as if he knew I was looking so he turned and looked at me and smiled. He put his hand to his heart and pointed to me then waved and hurried back inside. I felt my heart swell and started to cry. I finally started to feel like things would be right again.  
The next morning I saw Luke before class. I ran to him and hugged him tight. “Luke I’ve missed you so much! You have no idea.”  
“Yes I do because i’ve missed you too.” he said kissing my nose. “I’m so sorry, Jules. I never meant to hit you. I just swung and wasn’t thinking straight.”  
“I know. I know. That’s what I tried to tell the cops and my parents but they won’t listen. We can’t see each other outside of school for two whole weeks!” ”I know. It’ s going to be ok. Why weren’t you in school yesterday?” he asked.  
“I didn’t sleep at all Sunday night so my mom made me stay home. I cried all night long after they told me we couldn’t see each other for two weeks.”   
He hugged me tight and kissed me and said, “Don’t worry. It will be ok.”  
The bell rang and he said, “See you in class.” We had 4th period psychology and lunch together.  
We ate our lunch out front under an oak tree away from everyone. Luke filled me in on the details of his trip to the police station and the days since then.   
“Ceilia and Danny have been pretty cool about it. The are telling me I will probably have to go to some kind of counseling. I think it’s bullshit. I’ve been before but I’ll go so they won’t keep us apart. I wish they had taken me in years ago. They are nice people.”  
I decided not to say anything about the things my mom told me. I was afraid he might think of it as a betrayal by his foster parents for telling my parents the details of his life. I didn’t want to say or do anything that might make him mad.   
We ate our lunch in silence until I noticed Luke looking at me and grinning so I asked, “What are you thinking?”  
“I’m thinking about how much i’d like to make love to you right here under this oak tree.”  
I giggled. “Yeah but I think we might draw a crowd.”


	10. Chapter 10

The week went by fast but the weekend was painfully slow. Mom and dad made sure I didn't talk to Luke by taking the phone out of my room and turning off my computer. They changed the password so I couldn’t log in. I liked to write poetry so I had to go back to writing it in my notebook instead of on the computer. I didn’t put up a fight so I wouldn’t ruin things for Luke and I. We only had one more week to go.  
One day during lunch I asked Luke, “Have you ever been in trouble before? I mean for your temper?” I was hoping he wouldn’t lie to me.  
He stopped eating and said, “Yeah, I have. I’ve been suspended from school for fighting and I even got in trouble for bringing a knife to school.”  
“Why didn’t you tell me before?” I asked.   
He sighed. “Because I was afraid of what you might think of me. I didn’t want you to be scared of me.”  
“Luke, I’m only scared of you when you blow up at someone, when you go into a blind rage like you did at the party. I was so scared, Luke. You looked at me with such hatred in your eyes. I felt like it was another person I was looking at.”  
Luke looked at me with sad eyes.  
“Jules, I could never hate you. I wasn’t mad at you. I was mad at that asshole who said those things about you. In fact, I wasn’t even seeing you. I was in a ‘blind rage’, as you put it. When I’m that mad I’m blind to everything around me. I’m so sorry for hitting you and making you feel like I hated you.” He leaned over and kissed me. “I swear I’d never hit you on purpose.”  
The second week was spent much the same as the first. Luke and I spent every spare moment during school that we could. At night he’d wave to me telling me he loved me from his window.   
Word of what happened had spread through school. People looked at us and whispered as we walked down the halls or ate lunch under the tree. People gossiped and speculated about what happened that night. I told the ones who came up and asked me about it, the truth. I wanted to squelch the rumors that Luke punched me in the face. I never told Luke about any of the questions, afraid of how he might react.  
When I walked down the hallways alone, I got looks of sympathy. Mark was now always nervous about talking to me. He was afraid Luke was going to see us and get jealous again even though he and Luke were getting along fine. He was friendly to Luke but cautious. I tried to reassure him that there was no need to worry. Luke no longer had a problem with our friendship.   
“Julie, that guy is a ticking time bomb. I’m afraid of him and I’m afraid for you. What if he’s in a bad mood and sees us talking? Worse, what if he sees me hugging you? He’ll go nuts.” Mark told me one day.  
“Mark, he’s over his jealousy of you.” I tried to tell him. He just shook his head and said, “ I don’t know about that guy.”  
The morning of Luke’s court date I jumped out of bed, excited at the thought of seeing Luke and our two week restriction being over. I heard the doorbell ring at 8 a. m I raced to answer the door. I jumped into Luke’s arms and kissed him. He laughed because I almost knocked him over. When I turned around to come inside I saw my mom and dad standing there and was immediately embarrassed. Luke looked to me and said, “Why don’t you go upstairs and finish getting ready. I’d like to talk to your parents.”  
My parents later told me that he explained the whole incident at the party and how sorry he was for hitting me and it would never happen again. He told them how much he loved me and would never hurt me. I was grateful that he did this because it gave him big points with my parents.   
In the car, on the way to court, we snuggled and whispered to each other. He was given one year of probation and ordered to take three months of anger management classes two days a week. I told him the classes were a good thing and he reluctantly agreed with me. I felt this was a turning point for Luke and a change for the better. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a permanent change.


	11. Chapter 11

Things were getting back on track for us. Luke attended his anger management classes two nights a week, kept his temper under control and he would sneak into my room whenever possible where we would make love and talk about the future.   
One night Luke told me of his plans to move to New York to become a real magician as soon as he turned 18.   
“But Luke, you turn 18 almost a whole year before I do!” I cried.   
“ I can go ahead and get a job and a place to live. By the time you move in with me I’ll already have some gigs lined up for us.” He told me. The plan, he told me, was for me to be his assistant. Luke had our future mapped out.   
Every year at Christmas, my family had a huge Christmas party where Ceilia and my mom went all out. Family and friends from all over came to the party. The parties were always fun and Luke was a big hit this year with his magic tricks. He charmed everyone and my family loved him.  
He gave me a promise ring that Christmas. It was a gold ring with an emerald, my birthstone, and tiny diamonds around it. I gave him a leather jacket and a couple of books on magic that he wanted. It was my favorite Christmas.  
At New Year’s, our parents wouldn’t let us go to any parties but they did let us invite friends over to my house. We roasted marshmellows in the fireplace, Luke performed some magic tricks and we watched the ball drop with Dick Clark while we ate popcorn.   
After everyone left, Luke and I snuggled on the couch until my parents said it was time for him to go home. As usual, Luke appeared in my window later and we made love until it was almost sunrise. He quickly rushed out before it turned daylight. After he left, I laid there wondering if we would ever get tired of each other.   
The next few months went by fast with Luke and I spending every possible moment together. We were best friends, soul mates. We always knew what the other was thinking and we could finish each others’ sentences. We were like two halves of the same coin. We were never apart from each other for more than a few hours. We would sit in my room talking for hours about our future in New York. Luke’s plan was to become a famous magician with me as his assistant. I was excited about it. We were insanely in love with each other.  
My grades in school started dropping and my parents felt we were spending too much time together. They sat me down and had a long talk with me about it. They told me Luke was taking up too much of my time and I needed good grades to get into a college. My dad said, “You’re not screwing up your future for some boy!” So they decided that Luke and I could only see each other on the weekends until my grades came back up. The decision made neither of us happy but Luke continued to sneak in my window almost every night.


	12. Chapter 12

Looking back now at the events that unfolded after my parents had their talk with me, I can see why my parents made the decisions they made and why they were so worried about Luke and his influence on me. Hindsight is always 20/20.  
Suddenly Luke’s nightly visits were becoming less frequent. When he wasn’t with me, he was out with his friends, one friend in particular, that I didn’t like. His name was Tommy Sheppard and he was a troublemaker. He was wild, drank a lot and did a lot of drugs. It wasn’t long before I noticed Luke was drinking heavily too.   
When my birthday came around in May I had a small party. Luke and Tommy showed up late, drunk and Luke claimed he forgot my present. I was furious with him and hurt. After the party, Luke and I argued on the porch.  
“How could you show up so late and drunk, with him?” I said, near tears.   
“Oh come on, Jules.” Luke slurred. “We shot some pool and had a few drinks and lost track of time. I showed up, didn’t I?”  
“But did you have to bring him with you?” I said.  
“Yeah, he’s my friend. I don’t know why you don’t like him. You’ve been a real bitch to him and I don’t appreciate it.” Luke was swaying and on the verge of falling off the porch.  
“I don’t like him because he’s always been nothing but trouble. He’s not someone you should be friends with.” I almost shouted.  
“Oh so now you are going to tell me who I can be friends with? I can be friends with whoever I want!” He yelled at me.  
“No Luke, it’s not that. I just don’t like how you’ve been acting since you’ve been hanging around him. You’re drinking way too much.....”  Luke cut me off. “You just can’t stand it that I’m having fun without you. Hey, it was your parents that decided that we can’t see each other during the week. What do you want me to do? Sit around and do nothing? Fuck that.”  
“Luke, you know that’s not what I mean!” I was in tears now.  
“Don’t start crying to make me feel guilty for going out and having a good time.” He stepped off the porch and started heading home. “I don’t need this shit.”   
“Luke!” I shouted to him through my tears but he just kept walking.  
The next day I was perched at the top of the stares, my usual eavesdropping spot, listening to mom and Ceilia talk about Luke.   
“It’s like the minute his anger management classes were over he just reverted back.” Ceilia was saying. “Sheila, I’m sure he’s come home drunk a few times. I swear he was drunk last night.”  
“Well, he and Julianna had a fight last night after the party, about Luke showing up late with that Tommy Sheppard guy. I think Luke   
was drunk too but he was avoiding me and Richard.”  
“Tommy Sheppard. That boy is bad news. He’s shown up at the house a few times and I’m sure he was stoned. He and Luke leave the minute Tommy gets there then Luke doesn’t come home until Danny and I are in bed. I’m not sure what to do. I think he needs to go back to those anger management classes and get away from Tommy Sheppard. I don’t want to push him too hard because I know that won’t work but we’ve got to figure something out. He’s going to be 18 this year and says he’s leaving for New York.” Ceilia replied.   
“I just hope Julianna doesn’t get any crazy ideas in her head like running away with him.” I heard my mom say.   
“Ceilia, their closeness scares me. They are too young to be this serious.” mom said.  
Ceilia lowered her voice a little and said, “Do you think they’re having sex?”  
“Yeah, I think so. I’ve seen they way they are around each other. I mean, they are teenagers in love. I just don’t want to even think that they are having sex but.....” Mom sighed. “I’ve seen they way they are all over each other.”  
“Yeah, I really miss that!” Ceilia laughed.   
I heard my mom start to reply and I was afraid she was going to start talking about hers and dad’s sex life so I went back to my room. I was mortified at the thought of my parents catching Luke and I having sex.  
Luke climbed in my room around 1 a. m completely drunk. I couldn’t believe he made it up the ladder.  
“Luke!” I said, “You’re going to break your neck climbing up that ladder drunk!”  
“Aw come on” he slurred, practically falling in my window. “Don’t be mad. I just wanted to see you and tell you how sorry I am for last night.”  
He pulled my face close to his and his breath smelled of whiskey. I pulled away.  
“What’s wrong?” he asked.   
“Ugh, you smell like whiskey. I hate that smell.”  
“Stop it, don’t be a bitch. I came here to tell you how sorry I am for showing up late to your birthday party and to give you this present.” he pulled a small box out of his pocket. He handed it to me and kissed me.   
I pushed him away again. “Don’t Luke, I mean it. How much have you had to drink?”  
“Don’t fucking push me away!” He growled. “I love you.” He grabbed me around my waist and cupped my breast, kissing me on the cheek. I pushed him away again and said, “You can’t come over here after you treated me like shit, all drunk and apologetic and expect me to kiss you!”  
Luke grabbed my arm and pulled me hard. “Why are you being such a bitch?” ”I’m not, Luke, I’m just trying to tell you.....” He cut me off by picking me up and throwing me on the bed. The box fell on the floor.  
“Luke, stop it!” I said, trying not to yell and wake my parents.  
He straddled me, pinning my arms down and kissed me hard on the mouth. I wiggled away from him and said, “Luke, don’t do this!”  
He stared at me for a moment, as if he snapped out of a trance.  
“Fuck you!” he said and slapped me hard on the face. He got up and climbed out the window, leaving me on the bed, crying.  
I picked up the box that had fallen on the floor and opened it. It was a necklace with a gold “J”.  
I didn’t see him until Monday at school and I walked away from him whenever he came near me. I wouldn’t talk to him during our 4th period class but he wouldn’t let me avoid him at lunch.  
I was sitting under the oak tree when he came up to me and gathered me in his arms. “Oh God, Jules. I'm so sorry.” He was in tears and smothering my face with kisses. I didn’t say anything.  
“Jules, I love you so much. I don’t know what to say except i’m sorry. I’ll never hit you again. I promise.” He was pleading with me. “Don’t leave me. I swear to God, I’ll never hurt you again.”  
I looked deep into Luke’s eyes and broke down.  
“Luke, I don’t think I could ever leave you but please don’t drink anymore. It makes you mean. You turn into a different person. Someone I don’t like.” I begged him. He continued to kiss me and promised not to drink again. His promise lasted three months.


	13. Chapter 13

Throughout the summer Luke did not drink that I was aware of. My grades improved so Luke and I got to spend one day during the week together in addition to the weekends. I was sure the last episode scared Luke into staying sober. He was so sweet to me. I ended 10th grade with a B average so Luke and I were spending most of our time together. The summer was ideal. His temper would flair up every now and then but there were no major fights between us or incidents with anyone else. Even when put to the test by a few guys from school, Luke kept his cool. I was so proud of him. He was still hanging around Tommy off and on but not nearly as much as before.   
That summer Luke asked me to marry him as soon as I turned 18. I said yes and couldn’t have been happier. He loved the idea of our being a husband and wife team in his magic show. He was practicing a lot so that when he went to New York he would have a solid routine down.   
“We’re gonna be famous.” He told me one day. “That’s my dream. I want you with me every step of the way. I’m not sure if I could do this without you, Jules. You’re my inspiration.”  
Luke had his whole show worked out in his head . We spent a large part of the summer working on it and even used a couple of friends in the show.   
Our town had an art show every summer and we got to perform during the show. It was a big hit. Everyone loved it. I was more proud of Luke than ever. We even performed for a few parties and made a little cash.  
Luke put the money in a savings account for his trip to New York. I had fun with the show and was really excited about eventually joining him in New York. Luke was so talented. I knew he was going to be famous.   
We would spend hours talking about new ideas for the show and practicing.   
When school started we had to go back to spending one day a week plus the weekends together. My parents told me if my grades were good by the end of the first six weeks, and Luke behaved, we would be allowed another day to spend together. I studied hard and kept my grades up so we could spend more time together. Luke went back to partying when he wasn’t around me. He didn’t come around me drunk but I learned from Mark that he was drinking again. Mark told me that Luke would go to a local teen club called, The Mix and perform some magic tricks and flirt with the girls it would ultimately attract.  
“Julie, I’m not telling you this to hurt you but I thought you should know. I don’t want to see you hurt by him or being fooled by him.’   
“Is he cheating on me?” I cried.  
“No, I don’t think so. I haven’t seen him touching another girl or leaving with any. He’s just flirting. He performs his magic tricks and the girls totally love it.” Mark told me.  
“Oh, well that’s just how Luke is. He takes any opportunity to perform magic in public.” I was relieved.  
“Yeah but he shouldn’t be flirting with them when he’s with you.” Mark said.  
“I know but he’s a performer. It’s just how.......”   
Mark interrupted me, “Don’t make excuses for him. Don’t forget; he’s drinking too.”   
I sighed. “Ok, ok. I don’t know what I’m going to do but I won’t tell him you told me anything.”  
I waited a week before I said anything to Luke about it. I was afraid he would blow up.   
One night, after we’d made love, I brought it up.  
“Who told you this?” he asked me.   
“Several people. Don’t worry about it. It doesn’t matter who. We don’t live in a huge town. People in our school hang out at the same places we do.” I told him. I could see him tensing up by clenching his jaw but he remained cool, much to my surprise.  
“The point is, you promised me you wouldn’t drink again.” I said. “Not to mention all the girls you’ve been flirting with.”  
“Oh Jules, i’m just performing. You know it doesn’t mean anything. You know you’re the only girl for me. I’d never cheat on you. Since when are you so jealous?” he said.  
“Well, I’m not normally. I just hate the thought of those girls flirting with you.” I said with my arms crossed. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me on the cheek.   
“You have nothing to worry about.”  
“What I am worried about is you drinking again. Luke, you promised!”   
He sighed. “I know but i’ve been so good, haven’t I? I don’t drink that much anyway. Just a couple of beers sometimes; no whiskey.”   
“Yes, you have been. I’ve been very proud of you for keeping your temper under control. Ok, I don’t like you drinking but as long as it’s only a couple of beers and absolutely no whiskey. That’s stuff makes you mean.” I relented.   
“ I know it does and that’s why I stay away from it.” he kissed my cheek again and snuggled closer to me. “ I told you that I would never hit you again and I meant it.”  
Luke had a charm about him that I couldn’t resist. He could convince me of anything. It was my downfall.


	14. Chapter 14

One Friday night, after we performed for a dinner theater, Luke went out with Tommy . Tommy got really drunk and wrecked his Camaro. He broke his arm and suffered a concussion. Luke escaped with only minor injuries. He sprained his wrist and had a few cuts and bruises. I was relieved.   
Luke’s blood alcohol level proved he had been drinking but was not drunk. I was grateful for that.   
My parents and his were not at all happy about the incident. They wouldn’t let me see Luke for a week. They gave me all sorts of reasons why but I didn’t hear them. All I heard was a week without Luke.   
At school Luke told me Ceilia and Danny hadn’t said a lot about the incident but did tell him he wasn’t allowed to go out for a week then they would decide what to do.   
“I wasn’t the one drunk” he said, one day at school. “I don’t see what the problem is.”  
“Luke, it’s the fact that you were drinking in the first place and the fact that you are hanging around Tommy again. They know he’s bad news.” I told him.   
“Exactly. HE is. Not me!” Luke shouted.   
Ceilia and Danny were very worried about Luke and decided it was time to take action. They decided he needed to check him into the local psychiatric facility. One night, Ceilia and Danny and my parents had a long talk with Luke and I. They said they were worried about Luke and the path he was headed down and said that he needed help. They loved him and wanted to see him stay out of trouble. My parents were worried about me and the influence Luke had over me. We tried explaining to them how much we loved each other and how we needed each other. It fell on deaf ears. Ceilia and Danny wouldn’t back down. They had already made up their minds.

Luke ran away from home a week later. He left them a note saying there was no way he was going to be put in a mental hospital and he was going to New York since he was turning 18 in a month anyway. The night before he ran away, we made love for the last time. I didn’t know it but I wish I had. I wish he had told me that night and not left the way he did.  
He slipped a note under my pillow that I didn’t find until the next morning.  
My Sweet Jules,  
I cannot let them check me into a mental hospital. I won’t be locked up like some mad man. I’m not crazy. You know this. You’re the only one who understands me. I’m leaving for New York before the sun rises. I will be 18 in a month. They won’t find me before then. Please understand why I had to leave this way. I’ll be in touch and we will be together again. I love you.  
Luke.

Two days later I found out I was pregnant.


	15. Chapter 15

I never saw Luke again. I was completely devastated and went through my pregnancy alone. My parents tried to talk me into an abortion but there was no way I would even consider it. I wanted Luke’s baby more than anything. 

I got two letters from Luke four months apart. In the second letter, Luke sounded really down. He had only found menial work and was anxious to start his career but things weren’t working out yet. He said he wouldn’t have me move there to live in poverty when he couldn’t support me. Those were the only two letters I got from him.  
My parents made it clear that I was not to contact Luke and move to New York or I would receive no support from them. 

I got my high school diploma by dropping out of regular high school and going to adult high. A year after Luke left, I started college. I was living at home, working a full time job and taking care of our baby, Lainey. My parents decided I had put my life on hold long enough and told me to start college. I didn’t have a choice. It’s the only way they would help me out with Lainey and I needed them. 

The first year after Luke left I was depressed. I missed him so much and wanted him to know he had a daughter, half hoping he’d come home to me. When he stopped writing I assumed he’d found someone else.   
I got my bachelors degree in English. The whole time I was in college I went on 3 dates. I couldn’t get Luke out of my mind, hoping we’d be together again. I felt he was the only man for me.

I got a copy writing job and Lainey and I moved into our own apartment. She looked more and more like Luke every day. She was a constant reminder of my soul mate.

I tried looking for Luke. I sent a couple of letters to the address I had for Luke but got no response. Two years later, I was cleaning the kitchen one night when I heard a voice on tv say, “....illusionist Luke Blade”. I dropped the plate I was drying on the floor and ran into the living room just in time to see a short interview with Luke. I stood in front of the tv, dumbfounded. It was really my Luke. He had made it just like he said he would. 

After that I started scouring the internet for information. I spent the next year reading his web site, his message boards, whatever I could find that might give me an idea of how to contact him. I sent emails and a couple of letters with pictures of our daughter. I never got a reply and wasn’t completely sure he got the letters. 

After a year of trying to contact him with no luck, I stopped. It was taking too much of an emotional toll on me. It had been too many years since i’d heard from him and he obviously didn’t want to contact me so I gave up. I couldn’t believe Luke didn’t want to see me again or meet his daughter. I was heartbroken and emotionally spent. I lost too many years wondering about Luke and trying to find him. 

I never told Lainey that Luke Blade was her father. I was never sure when I would tell her. I’d always hoped he’d answer one of my letters and come home to us and bring us back to New York and we’d live as a family. I wasn’t sure how’d I ‘d tell her now. Luke Blade was a murderer. How could I tell her now? Luke had been famous for three years and Lainey knew who he was. Whenever we saw him on tv, I couldn’t stay in the room while Lainey watched. It was unbearable.

I stayed up all night looking at my photo album and watching that birthday party dad had videotaped the year Luke turned 17. I cried and thought of Luke, our plans, what should have been and what will now never be.  
I had just fallen asleep when my phone rang.   
“Julianna, have you been watching the news?” It was mom.  
I sighed. “Yes I have.” I replied groggily.  
“It sounds like you haven’t slept.” she told me.  
“Not really. I’ve got to get up and get Lainey off to school soon. I’m not going in to work today. There is no way I can focus on work. My mind is just spinning and my stomach is in knots.” I told her.  
“Isn’t this a familiar scenario. You losing sleep over Luke. It’s like history repeating itself.” she told me.  
“Mom, I’m in no mood for one of your lectures.” I told her.  
“Oh come on. I didn’t mean it that way. I was being ironic. You’re a writer, you should have been able to figure that out. Go back to sleep. I’m coming over to get Lainey ready for school. I can’t sleep myself. We’ll talk more later.”  
I layed there; my mind spinning. I was out of it from lack of sleep and everything that had hit me the night before. I layed there staring at the ceiling until I decided to get up and take a shower, hoping it would clear some of the fog from my brain. 

When I went downstairs to fix the coffee, mom was already in the kitchen and Lainey was gone to school. She hugged me immediately.   
“ I swear that girl is the mirror image of Luke. That dark hair and those dark eyes.”  
“Yeah” I chuckled. “She gets that same defiant look in her eyes too.”  
Mom didn’t laugh back. Instead she gave me a grim look. Letting out a long sigh I fixed myself a cup of coffee.  
“Don’t give me that look, mom. Lainey doesn’t have the temper Luke does. Luke’s problem isn’t hereditary.” I picked up the newspaper from the table and sat down. My body was feeling the fatigue from the sleepless night. I flipped open the paper and began scanning for Luke’s story not really wanted to read it because seeing it in print would somehow make it real and I was hoping it was all a bad dream. I found the article, looked at the article and began reading aloud.

“Illusionist Luke Blade, 28, was arrested on two counts of murder early Wednesday morning. Charged with killing his assistant and girlfriend, Vienna Hyatt, 25 and his stage technician, Austin Cannon, 32; Luke Blade was also arrested for the attempted murder of Sylvia Walker, 52, the woman who legally adopted him as a baby. Luke was just five years old when Mrs. Walker gave him up for adoption. The motive for the attempted murder is not yet clear but Luke murdered his assistant after learning she tried to sell his magic secrets to a tabloid for a large sum of money. It is believed Luke murdered his stage tech, Austin Cannon, after learning that he and Vienna were having an affair......”

The rest of the story went on to tell about Luke’s Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and his violent past. It painted the picture of Luke as a cold blooded killer. I knew Luke was not cold blooded. He felt betrayed. Two people close to him betrayed him and he lost it.   
I folded the paper and said,”Im still in shock. I just can’t believe this. I never imagined Luke a killer but I can see why he did it.”  
“What do you mean?” my mom asked.  
“I know Luke better than anyone. It was betrayal. That is what put Luke over the edge. Those two people had been with Luke since the beginning of his career. Vienna was not only his assistant, she was his girlfriend. She tried to sell his secrets to a tabloid and was having an affair with his stage technician. Luke has always been big on loyalty and I know how jealous he can get.” I sighed. “Mom, he just snapped and went over the edge. It was too much for him.”  
“I gotta tell you, Julie. I’m glad he’s out of your life. That could have been you!” Mom said.  
“No mom. Not me. I would have never betrayed Luke that way.” I shook my head.   
“Julie, that boy has put you through hell and he’s still doing it. I should have put an end to it when your father wanted me to, but I knew how much you two were in love and I know how much it would have devastated you. I was afraid that if I put an end to it that I would have lost you to him. I was afraid you’d run away with him some day. I just thought I could keep an eye on your relationship if I just left you alone. I still wonder if I did the right thing. Maybe if I did you wouldn’t have been left alone to raise a baby.”  
“Mom, don’t torture yourself over this. I’m not at all sorry that Luke came into my life. I know so many people who have never experienced love like we had. I’m grateful for it and for having Lainey as a result of it. She’s a blessing and the best part of Luke and I. I just wish he could see her. I don’t know if he ever got any of my letters with the pictures of her.”  
“You know you’re going to have to explain things to Lainey soon. Things are going to come out and you don’t want Lainey finding out from anyone else.” My mom told me.  
“I know, mom, I know.” I put my head in my hands. “I’m so not ready to deal with this. I don’t want to put her through this. Damnit, Luke!” I said through the tears that were forming in my eyes.

 

 


	16. Chapter 16

A week later, as I was pulling into the driveway from work, I saw a car in my driveway that I did not recognize. I got out of the car and a man met me in the driveway.   
“Hi, Julianna. My name is Jonathon Peters.” He handed me his business card and after I looked at it, I said, “Lainey, go inside.” I handed her my keys and looked back at him.  
“Thank you for not mentioning Luke.”  
“No problem. Is there somewhere we can talk?” he asked.  
“Sure, come inside.” I walked into the kitchen and told Lainey to go up to her room and start her homework.  
“Please sit down.” I motioned him to the kitchen table. “I’ll make some coffee.”  
“Thank you.” he said and cleared his throat. “As I said, I’m Jonathon Peters. I’m one of Luke’s consultants for his for his show, and his friend.” He added.  
He met my eyes with the last statement and said, “Forgive me for saying so but your daughter is the mirror image of Luke.”  
I smiled, “Yeah, I know. So does Luke know he has a daughter?”  
“Yes, he does. He’s always known since the first letter you sent him telling him.” Johnathon said.  
“Then why the hell has he never contacted me?” I asked in exasperation.  
“Ma’am, I’d really rather let Luke explain that to you. I’m only here to give you some information.” He sipped his coffee and continued. “Luke had named you his power of attorney and executor of his estate. You need to contact his lawyer for all the details.” He handed me a business card.   
“His what?” I blinked and stared at the card I took from him. “So after all this, I’m supposed to take care of his affairs?” I was annoyed by this.   
“Julianna, I’m here at Luke’s request to give you this information. He wanted it to come from me before the lawyer contacted you. I’ve been Luke’s magic consultant and friend since the beginning of his career. He’s told me all about you and your relationship. Believe me, he has a lot of regrets. Luke means a great deal to me as a friend so that means you do too. That’s all I can say on his behalf. Maybe his letter will answer some of your questions.” He produced a thick envelope from his briefcase and handed it to me.  
“I can’t even begin to tell you the shock i’m going through from all of this as i’m sure you are going through the same. I want you to know that you can call me anytime. I’m here for you as Luke’s friend. Read his letter and if you need to talk, please call me.”

After Johnathon left I took the letter to my room. I was dizzy from all the information i’d been given. My hands were shaking as I tore open the envelope. 

‘Dear Jules,  
I’m not sure exactly what to say to you. I‘ll try to explain to you all the decisions I’ve made since I last saw you.   
I ran to New York unable to deal with the thought of going to a mental hospital. I just couldn’t be confined like that. Running away was a familiar act to me. I’d done it so many times. I had all intentions of contacting you to live out our dreams. At first, things didn’t pan out as I expected. I was homeless for a short time then I got a job and a small apartment in a bad neighborhood. I just couldn’t bring you to that. A year went by with me living in that horrible place before I could afford something better. It wasn’t a lot better and not nearly good enough for what I wanted for you. I couldn’t take you away from a good life and bring you here to live in poverty with me.  
I met Johnathon Peters and he started helping me out with my career. By the time my career was starting to take off, I found out you were in college and I didn’t want to take you away from that. I still wasn’t able to support you. Then I heard we had a daughter. I got your letter and her picture. She’s so beautiful. To this day I still carry a picture of you and Lainey.  
My career took off fast and I worked long hours so time literally escaped me. By the time my career was secure and I had enough money for us, too much time had gone by and I didn’t feel I had the right to uproot your lives. It had been a year since i’d gotten a letter from you and I figured you’d found someone else and got tired of waiting for me and I couldn’t blame you. I‘m sorry things didn’t work out as we planned. I’m sorry you’ve had to raise Lainey without her father. I’m sorry for a lot of things, Jules. I just hope that one day you find it in your heart to forgive me.   
It’s difficult for me to explain why I did what I did. Vienna and Austin were part of my family. The family I created and they betrayed me. The things they did were unforgivable. Something inside me snapped.   
I can’t explain this in a letter. I’m hoping you will come see me one day. Seeing your face will help to give me the strength to deal with this. I’m not sure I have the strength to do it alone but i guess I may have no choice. I wouldn’t blame you if you won’t forgive me and don’t want to see me. I won’t ask to meet Lainey because I can’t put her through that. I can’t help but wonder if she knows who her father is.   
I do hope you decide to come visit me. I love you and miss you more than you know.  
Luke’

I folded the letter and put it back in the envelope, my hands still shaking. I’d never felt so numb. I spent another sleepless night thinking of Luke. I had some hard decisions to make.


	17. Chapter 17

I decided to take some personal time off from work. I didn’t tell anyone about Luke. I only told them I had family problems to deal with.  
I went to see the lawyer to set up all the paperwork I needed to become Luke’s power of attorney and executor of his estate. With Johnathon’s help, I hired a business lawyer to dissolve Luke Blade Productions. We all knew he wouldn’t be performing again. I met most of the people who worked with Luke in his shows. They were all very sad and spoke highly of Luke. I can see why he called them family. 

At our last meeting to finish up business, Jonathon had tears in his eyes as we parted. He was truly a good friend to Luke and I could see how hard it was for him to talk about all of this.   
“Julianna, you’re a special person with a good heart. I can see why Luke loves you so much. I’d like to keep in touch with you but I need to get away from all this for a while. I need to take a vacation and relax before Luke’s trial.”   
“Sure, Jonathon, you do what you have to do for yourself. You’ve been a good friend to Luke and he’s going to need you. He’s going to need both of us. You go get yourself together. Get in touch with me when you get back.” I hugged him and he kissed me on the cheek.   
“If you need anything call me.” he told me.  
“I’ll be fine but thank you. I’ll keep that in mind but I want you to take care of yourself and I’ll see you when you get back.” I told him.

A couple of weeks later, right after Lainey’s 11th birthday, I sat her down and told her Luke was her father. I told her how much we loved each other and how I knew the good part of Luke. I tried to explain to her what had happened to Luke and the Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. I tried to explain to her why Luke never came around, why I hadn’t told her until now that Luke was her father, and how deep down Luke was a good person. Trying to explain that Luke was really a good person sounded completely absurd even to me but I guess I’m the only one who will ever truly know and understand Luke. 

A week before Luke’s trail I was allowed to see him. I was nervous but happy. We sat across from each other in a booth. I couldn’t contain my tears when I saw him. He was pale and thin but his eyes lit up when he saw me.  
“Jules, when I imagined seeing you again this wasn’t what I pictured.”  
“I know, Luke, me either.” I said. “Luke....” I whispered, choking back tears.  
“Don’t” he said, “there’s no time for tears. I want to thank you for taking care of my personal affairs. I’ve made sure you and Lainey will be taken care of financially.”  
“I know. Thank you for that.” I told him, wiping the tears away.  
“It’s the very least I can do for the both of you and all i’ve put you through. Jules, I’m so sorry about everything i’ve ever put you through. It seems like i’m always apologizing for something i’ve screwed up when it comes to you.” Luke said with tears forming in his eyes. I wasn’t sure how much more of this I could take.   
“Luke, I loved you and I still do. I don’t regret anything. I stuck by you when I should have left.”  
He lowered his head. “I know. Instead I’m the one who left you when you needed me most.”  
“Luke, don’t. Let’s not do this. I didn’t come here to make you feel guilty about the past. I came here because I wanted to see you.”  
“Jules, there is so much I want to tell you if I can ever find the words. It’s stuff you may not want to hear but I feel I have to tell you, to explain to you why I did what I did.”  
“Later Luke. I can’t deal with that right now. There will plenty of time for that.” I told him.  
“True. I’m not going anywhere.” He smiled at me. I wanted to reach out and hug him so bad but we weren’t allowed to. I started to cry.  
“Oh Jules, don’t cry for me. I deserve whatever I get.” he told me.  
“Luke...” was all i managed to say through my tears.  
“Jules, I want you to do something for me. I want you to write the book you’ve always wanted to. I want you to write it about me. I want the world to remember me for being more than just a murderer. You know me better than anyone and you’re the person to do it. I don’t want you to make excuses for me I just want the world to know there is more to me than this.”  
“Sure Luke, I can do that for you.” I told him.  
“Plus, that will give me an excuse to get you to come visit me often.” he winked at me.  
“Oh Luke, you know I would anyway.” I said.  
“Jules, you’re the only woman i’ve ever loved. I want you to know that. I also want you to tell my daughter I love her and i’m sorry.” he said, suddenly solemn.  
I smiled at him. “I still love you too, Luke. I’ve thought about you every day since you left. Of course, I do have a little reminder.” I smiled. “She looks just like you. “  
“Maybe i’ll get to meet her one day.” Luke said. “When she’s ready to meet me.”  
“I’m sure in time she will.” I told him. 

I drove the entire way home in tears. I cried for us, never again able to touch each other. I cried for Lainey who would never really get to know her father and what a wonderful man he was. Most of all I cried for Luke. He wasted his life by letting his rage control him. He would never again feel the touch of a woman, never hold his daughter and never fully realize his dream as an illusionist. It was up to me to let the world know that Luke Blade was a beautiful person with a dream. 

End

 

 

 


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